Unspoken Fear
Every greeting,
every goodbye—
it flows through my mind.
Hypnotized by the idea of it.
Time is a precious thing.
Time is a unit of measure
to decide if things are ready or not.
Though time can be a good indicator,
it’s not always the say-so
in certain situations.
The feeling I get—
the flip flops,
the turning,
the tingle every time it pops up.
An excitement almost,
followed by a crushed spirit.
Not sure of what lies ahead.
Is it worth saying it?
A strange feeling.
Usually I would jump to it,
but I hesitate
for the right moment.
Is there a right moment?
Better yet—
or worse yet—
have I built up a fantasy
when in reality
the moment I dream of
might not exist?
The feeling of this is it.
It’s loud.
It screams at me—
tell them.
Stop holding on
and hiding it.
Seems like a dream
every time I get the feeling.
Time is a crazy concept.
There’s a short timeline available.
The short time—
but also long.
And a lot can happen.
Is it long enough to build on?
I feel it.
The strength.
The tension.
Words of the future confuse me.
Is all that possible
with the timeline?
What lies ahead?
Do I dare dwell on the thoughts?
I try not to.
It is of no benefit
to me or others.
It is in the Lord’s hands
as I pray for guidance in this,
and that His will be done.
This is an answered prayer.
I’ve only dared to tell one soul this—
not the soul that should know.
A prayer
in the form of begging,
bargaining,
covered in tears
and a heaving breath.
A prayer that has been prayed for
daily
for 2 years now.
A prayer that came with
an extensive list
of things one requires.
At times, this list and prayer
seemed useless—
’cause why do I,
of all people,
deserve that?
“You deserve this,”
my therapist says
when I explain the inner turmoil to her.
Should I say it?
When should I say it?
Will it be worth it?
I believe it’s worth it.
What if the feedback
isn’t what I want?
Life surely goes on.
Almost living in delusion
and holding back
this very real feeling.
Cannot run or scare off,
too precious to lose.
Must keep to myself.
I do not fear the intimacy.
I fear the ending of it
before it really could’ve begun.
Is losing it
really that big of a deal?
I can live without!
I have before!
It is different this time.
I am actually benefitting
and growing—
changing into the woman
I have always wanted.
Why now?
Why this one?
Stems back to the prayer—
Father, am I ready?
I asked for this
and have been given it.
Why am I so full of doubt?
The timing doesn’t look the best.
“Oh,” I hear in response
when I explain it to others.
And,
“you never know,”
from the more optimistic listeners—
those are my favorite, obviously.
Regardless of the response,
my life will move on.
And time
will still tick.
Should I tell?
Is it worth losing
so early on?
I will stay quiet
for now.
What if I miss the chance?
More confusion.
One argument says—
you must wait.
Am I confusing the feelings
with something else?
It feels different
this go around.
I haven’t felt this
in 4 years.
It feels different.
The totality of it all
is unlike anything
I experienced the first time.
Is it crazy
to feel this way?
Am I out of place?
Afraid
to look into the eyes,
in fear it will slip out.
Would that be
the end of the world?
Better to lose to rejection
than to lose the opportunity?
I’d be happy regardless—
if I held it back,
or let it go.
There’s multiple scenarios
that my mind replays
over and over
like a broken record player.
Most are good…
what if the bad?
I cannot doubt the Lord.
I place my trust
in this all.
Amen.
